To failure.

Dear you,

I checked my fifth semester results yesterday. I’d got a back in one of the six papers. At first I thought I’d failed in the five papers whose code was mentioned. The very thought made me feel as if the earth had slipped away from under my feet. To little relief I realised I had passed in those five but had failed to clear one. I was suddenly disappointed and sad to say the least. I am not the favourite kind of students but I’ve always been good at studies. Usually above average. And even though teachers rarely gave me much attention, when it came to marks I was better than the favorite ones. So this was unexpected. It felt like a blot on a clean slate. And immediately feelings of guilt and shame drowned me for a moment. I was sitting at the dining table and so I recovered soon. My mother asked me and I told her the reason for the expressions on my face. In return I received, “chalo koi baat nahi, Ho jayega baad me.” 

For the next two hours I sat at the same place and tried to get my attention back to the book I’d been reading. Instead, I googled about the subject code to figure out which paper I’d not cleared and reading various rules and provisions on the college website. Not to mention I checked the result at least three times. 

When I returned to my room, I sat and cried for a while with thoughts of failure and other  problems that engulfed my days. I knew I was giving up. Just then, I happened to check my phone; there was a message from a friend asking if my mother was taking any rest or not. She had fractured her hand in a fall. I replied but with addition of words that expressed the thoughts and feelings of that moment. And so a small conversation began and that in itself was probably some consolation. 

I tried hard to study again for a while but I felt tired. I lied down thinking of taking some rest and then studying. But that was not to be. I lay in bed for quite sometime before I fell asleep. 

I woke up early but lay in bed till 10am. I had recuperated from the shock of the previous day and now I was ready to begin again with firm belief in words I was trying to convince myself yesterday. Whatever had to happen has already happened. There is no point worrying about it now. Neither about what could have been done earlier. Crying or feeling sad won’t solve any of it. Rather a better option would be to think about what could be done next to improve the situation. Things would fall in place; as they always do, sooner or later.

All good things to those who wait.

This seems to be my favourite quote these days. And it’s from a movie I watch often just to feel good, even though the character is not really a likeable one. 

Always yours,

Muskaan

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