Today life seemed like a full circle when suddenly events of past year flashed before my eyes. I couldn’t help but wonder how it all appeared to be same, as if I was at the same place, only with different faces beside me. And the most striking part was that the faces I’d found and lost at this time of the year were here again, to be found and lost again. The innocence is now looked upon as stupidity. And it is then that the realisation that the lessons could have been learned earlier dawns on me. Finally, the fog lifts and there is nothing left but heartbreak and loss and its mourning. I still feel the same.
I remember the first time I saw you in your blue checked shirt and the jeans with blue ink on it. I remember your smile and the way you said hi. I remember your beautiful eyes turn red because of reetha. I remember sitting next to you and watching hum paanch sharing a cup of bournvita. I remember lying next to you and watching you sleep. I remember making tea early in the morning and talking softly. I remember seeing you and your friend sleeping holding hands and almost hugging each other and wanting to be at her place. I remember coming out of shell quite quickly. I remember the first soft kiss in the morning. I remember your tears while you lay in my arms and I tried to control mine. I remember receiving chawanprash while I expected a truffle or some flowers. I remember facing my darkest fears and secrets spilling out of my mouth. I remember your touch at my waist and everywhere you’d touched me. I remember you writhing in pain when you were sick and finding myself helpless to do anything. I remember the first dinner outside and I’m still hung up at not sharing the expenses.(I know you earn and I don’t!) I remember walking holding hands. I remember your breath on my face in the metro. I remember your singing and playing that one song incessantly. I remember getting drunk and losing control because I trusted you and I knew you were there to hold me. I remember new year and dancing with you. I remember joy turning into tears that very night and the next day. I remember realising that it wasn’t easy for me to say that I felt it wouldn’t work. I remember the last time I saw you, saying goodbye holding tightly. I remember the last time I heard your voice while I was at Anjali’s place. I remember remembering all these memories everyday since then and many more. I remember walking in JNU at 2 in the night and wanting to go for a walk with you. I remember waiting for a call or a message not just for hours but because I had been waiting for days. I remember expecting you on my door even when I knew you weren’t coming for I desperately wanted to see you. I remember crying into my bed and falling asleep waiting to hear your voice just once.
I remember saying I didn’t want to get hurt again. Oh I am such a fool!
5th January, 2016
And now here I’m after another year feeling like a fool.
Note: cover picture courtesy Google.